Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Death

3/28/2010 – 10:00 a.m. – Phillips Hall – Case open

A janitor at GW called UPD while cleaning the Columbian School’s office. All CSGT academic advisers were found to have been dead for quite some time due to overexertion. Referred to Metropolitan Police Special Victims Unit

Drug Law Violation

3/25/10 – 12:32 a.m. – Thurston Hall – Case closed

UPD officers on patrol heard noises coming from a room. A Canadian student was found encouraging other residents to support health care reform. Because alcohol – the rubbing kind used to clean wounds – was in plain view, officers searched the room. Allergy medicine was found with a receipt that was way too low to be an American prescription and was confiscated. Referred to SHS

False Fire Alarm

3/27/10 – 5 p.m. – University Yard – Case closed

UPD responded to a report of a fire. The complainant had called 911 and claimed, “Shawty fire burning on the dance floor.” Officers responded to the scene and found 200 disappointed people throwing glow sticks around the area. No fire found

Liquor Law Violation

3/28/10 – 1:50 a.m. – Ivory Tower – Case closed

UPD Chief Bauer observed two female students helping a male student having trouble walking enter Ivory Tower as Bauer sat at the building’s front desk. He assessed all three individuals and found them to be intoxicated. All three were told to sit in the lobby to sober up while watching episodes of “24.” Referred to Bauer Judicial Services

Simple Assault

3/28/2010 – 7:30 p.m. – Smith Center – Case open

A complainant calling himself “Little George” reported to UPD that he was practicing free throws when a very tall individual with an inflated head came waddling toward him. The subject proceeded to make fun of the complainant’s size and then fell on him, causing serious injury. The subject said it was an accident, but was questioned by Chief Bauer on suspicion of using steroids. Referred to Kornonthe Kobbs

Theft

3/26/2010 – 4:10 a.m. – Kogan Plaza – Case open

A student reported to UPD that a UPD officer had stolen his bike. Witnesses claimed to hear the officer muttering about never getting his “big bike promotion.” When confronted by Chief Bauer, he shouted something about being able to catch everyone on his new ride. Open case