April Fools’ Issue: Columbian School to add visors

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The University announced plans Wednesday to increase the number of visors available to students in the Columbian School of Generic Things, in what appears to be a misinterpretation of student complaints about academic advising.

The buff and blue visors will cost the University more than $900,000, President Schemin’ Steven said Wednesday. The money to buy the handmade and Juicy-inspired visors will come from funds saved through the Let’s Use a New Buzzword to Appear Innovative Task Force, a University initiative launched in October designed to ensure the Board of Trustees thinks they’re doing something about massive amounts of debt.

These efforts, Schemin’ said, will lead to major improvements to academic advising and healthy, wrinkle-free faces for all CSGT students.

“You would think students want more people to help them pick classes and plan for the future, not sun-visors, but all I ever hear students complain about during my many office hours is the need for a visor,” Steven said.

Currently, the Columbian School has nine professional advisers and announced in February plans to double the number of advisers but, as Schemin’ astutely pointed out, the college has no visors.

The visors will be placed around campus near any building that houses CSGT classes. Schemin’ admitted the visors probably wouldn’t help students navigate the confusing general curriculum requirements the college proposed Tuesday.

“But damn, these students will look so good walking around campus,” he said. “Besides, with the money we’re going to get from all the students needing a fifth year, the visors will more than pay for themselves.”

Student reaction to the announcement was mixed. Incoming Senseless Administation President Preztobe Clifton, who spent the last six months campaigning daily for more advisers, said he was excited for the new visors.

“This clearly shows GW’s commitment to answering students’ concerns,” Lifton said. “President Schemin’ heard that students needed more visors and did something about it.”

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