April Fools’ Issue: Basketball alums pursue Olympic dreams

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Inspired by the success of fellow former Colonial Alena Byers in this year’s Winter Olympics in Vancouver, a pair of former GW basketball standouts said Wednesday that they would begin training later this year with the intention of earning spots on various U.S. Winter Olympic teams for the 2014 games.

Among them was former GW big man Ron Biggs, who said he would be vying for a spot on the American curling team four years from now in Sochi, Russia. Biggs said that watching Byers win her bobsledding bronze medal was an eye-opening moment for him.

“I had never really gotten into the Olympics before, because of basketball,” Biggs said. “But watching Alena win that medal really made me think, ‘hey, I don’t know shit about the Olympics, but neither did she and she won a medal.’ That’s pretty much how it started.”

Biggs said that initially he had wanted to go into bobsled like Byers, but quickly changed his mind after watching the bobsledding classic, “Cool Runnings.”

“Apparently, falling in bobsledding can really mess you up,” Biggs said, adding that he had no interest in dealing with the notoriously rude Scandinavian teams.

But Biggs refused to let his Olympic dream die, and once he discovered curling he knew he had discovered his passion.

“Curling and basketball are pretty much the exact same thing,” Diggs said. “I had a top play on Sportscenter, you’re telling me I can’t be one of those broom guys or the dude who throws the rock and yells? That shit looks easy.”

Also announcing his plans for a try at Olympic glory in 2014 was former Colonial sharp shooter Joel Fillmore, who said he hopes his accurate shooting on the court will translate into success in the biathlon, a combination of rifle shooting and cross-country skiing.

“A shooter is a shooter,” said Fillmore, who has never cross-country skied in his life. “I don’t really feel like not being able to ski will hinder me at all. As long as I can shoot in Russia the way I shot in the Smitten Centre, it should be all good.”

Fillmore, like Biggs, was initially drawn to bobsledding but later turned to biathlon largely because it seemed like the sport where he would have the lightest competition.

“How many biathlon guys can there be in this country? There can’t be more than like five, right?” Fillmore said, adding that he was probably already in the top 20 biathletes in the country without even trying.

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