April Fools’ Issue: Back to nature

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

University officials this week announced that the 150 rising sophomores who were waitlisted during the Hosing crisis of 2010 will be assigned to the “two best locations on campus” – Kogan Plaza and University Yard.

Tents will be pitched in Kogan Plaza and University Yard, each equipped with a cozy sleeping bag and cardboard box. Officials paid a visit to Target and mass ordered camping tents to house this fall’s second-year students.

“We are proud to offer waitlisted students the honor of living in Kogan Plaza or U-Yard, the hearts of GW’s campus. This fall, Kogan Plaza will be renamed Kogan Suites,” said director of GW Hosing Programs, Sev Whineshill.

A fountain in Kogan Plaza will double as both a decoration and bathhouse for the students, and a community toilet will be installed in the rotunda, Whineshill said.

Spoyld Bratt, one of the future tent residents, has been going crazy after hearing of the decision.

“If GW is going to do this to me, I better at least get a huge fan and a TV in my tent. Hosing is going to get an earful from my dad if I don’t also have my own housekeeping maid,” Bratt said.

In place of kitchens, the Kogan Suites are being gifted the microwave in Jay Avenue.

“Jay Avenue dining services has kindly presented our newest residence with its beloved microwave, and I am sure that students will be appreciative,” said Whineshill. University Yard residents have permission to cook using open flames and will be provided with firewood in the form of old books from Gelman Library.

Tent proctors are gearing up for residence hall warming activities, including bonfire night and lawn mowing contests.

“We are also going to have competitions on who can get the most bug bites in ten minutes,” said future tent proctor Woodsy Allen.

Sophomore-to-be Sity Lovah is thankful that she is being given a home on Foggy Bottom.

“All I can say is at least I’m not stuck on the Vern. I mean, I’d pretty much be torching my social life if I lived there.”

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