Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
After University officials searched for months to find a replacement for retiring UPD Chief Dolores Didntgetaglock, former Counter Terrorism Unit agent Jack Bauer took over the position Friday.
Bauer immediately went out on patrol himself and made drastic changes to how UPD serves the community.
“I’m here to kick ass – then take names,” he said.
Since his arrival, Bauer has eliminated Student Judicial Services. Cases may now be referred to Bauer Judicial Services, colloquially known as BJS.
Bauer promised that students would be treated fairly and that BJS would help resolve underlying causes of campus of crime.
“My kind of punishment is about people learning from their mistakes. I’m going to clean up this shithole they call Foggy Bottom and then still have time to fight domestic terrorism,” Bauer said.
Bauer declined to discuss his reasons for coming to GW, but his show on FOX, “24,” was recently canceled.
Bauer’s résumé reveals he is highly over-qualified to be the chief of a college police force. He previously worked as a special assistant to the Secretary of Defense here in D.C. and served in the army’s Delta Force Counter Terrorist Group.
“If there are any terrorists that try to get rid of Jay Avenue or Gelman, Bauer’s our man to stop them,” said University President Schemin’ Steven. “Also, his BJS will be a huge improvement over what we had before – I think he’ll really give 110 percent.”
So far student reaction has been positive, though Bauer’s obsession with time has taken some getting used to. Bauer installed a large digital clock on top of the UPD station his first day, and ever since each second can be heard ticking away.
“Damn it, we’re running out of time!” Bauer often yells as he leads teams of UPD officers on campus patrols.
Bauer said he has adjusted well to the move from his Los Angeles home to his life on GW’s campus.
“I try to take every day hour by hour,” Bauer said.