The Hatchet has a new sex columnist on board, known as Mr. Darcy. He’s here to give the guys’ perspective from under the sheets and beyond. Names have been changed to protect the naughty.

At a party in the onset of my sophomore year, I saved a girl named Julie from being sketched on by some guy wearing fraternity letters. At the end of the night, I asked her out, she said yes, and we eventually began dating. Things were going great, until the spring of my junior year when I left to go abroad.

While abroad we tried to do the whole friends thing – until I met Natalie. Whereas Julie was sweet, an intellectual equal, and the kind of girl you’d bring home to mom, Natalie was exciting, vivacious, and a fucking tigress. She had a raw sex appeal that Julie never had. Clearly, I learned more abroad than I expected to.

When I returned from my trip abroad, I was on good terms with both girls. Every time I talked to Julie, I was reminded of why I fell in love with her in the first place. But with Natalie, things could not have been more explosive. Every time we had sex, I was reminded of why I wanted to keep her around.

School began and I was excited to catch up with Julie over coffee which, to both my surprise and satisfaction, came with a blowjob. I admit I did feel a twinge of guilt, because I was planning on seeing Natalie right after. Julie and I parted amicably and I headed out to pick up a bottle of Smirnoff. I then went over to South Hall to visit Natalie, with my alcohol in tow.

This was the first time I’d been in South Hall. Most people had not moved in yet, leaving the building somewhat empty. I walked to her room and she pulled me in by my collar. I offered the Smirnoff, but she said it wasn’t necessary. I had experienced her burning passion before, but it was never quite like this. I eventually realized we were making our way towards the main window overlooking the courtyard. She turned to me with a wild look in her eyes and said, “Fuck me. Someone might be watching.”

Of course, as I walked home, Julie called me. She said she’d been thinking and wanted to talk about “us.” I hesitantly agreed to dinner the next day. Over glasses of wine, she looked at me longingly and began to talk about “how we used to be.” I downed my glass of wine, flagged the waiter and ordered another. Oh God. Forty-five tear-filled minutes and a way-too-expensive bar tab later, she finally said, “I want to get back together.”

Thus, I have a dilemma. Julie is the nice, smart, safe girl with whom I could see myself in a long-term relationship. Natalie is the girl who will do things to me that otherwise exist only in the realm of fiction. To be clear, I had my share of fun with Julie, but it never went beyond the usual, and was never that exciting. But I could talk to her and we could spend hours talking and laughing and never growing tired of it. If she seems so perfect, why did I break up with her in the first place?

The bottom line is that I always felt like I was missing something, like someone else was just over the horizon who could combine the qualities of both Natalie and Julie, and I wasn’t about to miss the opportunity to have both.

So far, the only solution to this conundrum is for me to look out for my own self-interest. Yes, it may be a cop-out, but I want to have my cake and eat it too, and it’s just too easy. I know this can’t go on forever, but I feel like, until I find that perfect person who has all the qualities I’m looking for, I don’t want to be left with nothing.