Sex Column: Erotic Mishaps

I follow him into my bedroom and shut the door. The room is quiet enough for me to hear the sound of the dead bolt click. He goes to my bed and I hear the crinkle and crackle of condom. I turn off the lights and begin to unclothe, hidden from his sight. Quickly, as I compete with the fury of my sexual urges, I’m topless in less than five seconds. As I pull down my short black skirt.

BOINK. I hit my head on the door handle and fall to the ground.

No one ever told me sex had mishaps. Sometimes all it takes is a calming giggle and sometimes you need to point and laugh. Young adults growing into their own bodies fumble over themselves often. When we were young, we had to crawl before we could walk. It all takes practice.

But sometimes there are surprises.

The sweat sits on my brow and I shake my head to the rhythm he creates with our bodies. Propped up on all fours, I’m beginning to lose my breath and I can feel him start to slow down. What was once wet like an overflowing faucet begins to feel dry as winter’s worst chapped lips. He slowly withdraws. Figuring I need to get back to the thunderstorm wetness I had before, I lick my fingers and try to falsely replace the moisture. As he puts himself back inside me . something down there releases gas.

This is where pointing and laughing is appropriate. But it can really ruin a moment, especially a raunchy one. This specific noise, though, has a name: queef. And it could happen to all women.

Queefs come from a buildup of air inside the woman. According to Cosmopolitan.com, “You can attempt to prevent the air from getting inside you by having your guy make small, shallow strokes. Or, you can try to stick to positions that don’t lift your pelvis too much.”

As if bedroom moments couldn’t get any worse, I offer you one more scene that has happened to some women.

With my eyes shut, I throw my head back and as the tips of my curls hit my back, I shiver in excitement. Every pore in my body is sweating. Never feeling this way before, my leg shakes and voice cracks as I scream with enjoyment. But it’s when my blood thins and all the intensity goes to my lower regions that I begin to feel something different. “Is this how it’s supposed to feel?” I suddenly realize I am surrounded by excessive moisture. “Did I just pee?”

After closer examination, I did. Eww.

But it’s not unusual. Gunhilde Buchsbaum, a urogynecologist at the University of Rochester, told me that “when the uterus contracts during orgasm, it can stimulate contractions in nearby organs, including the bladder.” Or even better, a secretion of liquid – female ejaculation – is sometimes mistaken for an orgasm. It happens when the G-spot is stimulated, and it is completely natural.

If you’ve experienced similar moments, don’t feel alone. Funny instances and weird occurrences are natural to life – even in the bedroom. My advice to you is look at your partner, giggle a little and continue.

The Hatchet has disabled comments on our website. Learn more.