April Fools’ Issue: We. Don’t. Care.

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

So, we’ve been thinking. Transparency is so last year. Sure, The Buzzkill’s editorial board has been calling for it in every issue since well, ever. But really, why would we want anyone at this school to be open and honest with us?

Exactly – we can’t think of a reason either. If you tell us stuff, we have to write about it, and that can really cut into our beauty rest. And let’s face it: We need that beauty rest. So just leave us alone, OK?

We don’t want to know what goes on behind closed doors – they’re closed for a reason, right? If University President Steamin’ Krapp wants to go borrow another $200 million, but won’t say what for, well, he probably has a good reason. After all, he’s really just too boring to do anything scandalous with it. Have a little faith, people.

As for Stickuptheir Ass-ociation President Vishard Nixon, he is just our favorite person ever. He is the only one on this campus courteous enough never to bother us here at The Buzzkill. We’re not too sure what silly antics he’s been up to, but we can certainly respect the fact that some things are meant to be kept just between a man and his mustache.

So please, don’t tell us any news. Don’t send us press releases, they just confuse us. Don’t call or e-mail or send hug-a-grams. Unless they come bearing sugary snacks, that’s acceptable.

Why would you want us to print half the things we do, anyway? It certainly doesn’t make you look very good – debt galore, abused hippos, chlorine wrecking havoc on swimmers’ personal grooming.

The bottom line: Let’s keep it simple, folks. You don’t want to tell us all your dirty little secrets and we don’t want to know. How about this: You don’t call us, and we won’t call you.

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