Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Gymnastics: The gymnastics team had one of their most successful weekends to date, knocking off Rhode Island 196.43434344-195.323434 and prevailing 21-16 when a Smith Center scheduling conflict forced them to scrimmage the men’s basketball team.

Squash: Cook whole in boiling water for 8 minutes. Drain and cut into halves lengthwise. Scoop out pulp; chop. Melt butter in a heavy skillet, sauté garlic and onion until tender; stir in chopped squash pulp, bread cubes, poultry seasoning, salt and pepper. Stuff squash with bread mixture. Place in baking dish and bake at 350? for 20 minutes, or until tender.

Soccer: Freshman striker Yannidinho was listed in critical condition on Sunday after getting his legs tied in an unbreakable knot. Preliminary reports from the GW practice field suggest the skillful striker attempted a few too many stepovers during a scrimmage. Star striker Curls McGee, as usual, had nothing to say.

Football: Doesn’t exist, but still talked about more than actual GW sports.

Women’s water polo: Lost again but no one drowned. Good enough for us.

NUMBER CRUNCH: 0
The number of sports GW students really give a shit about.