Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
The University announced plans Sunday to adopt the National Mall, in an attempt to expand its national profile and assist the government in reducing federal spending.
The move gives GW freedom to decorate or modify the national park however it pleases, a fact that University President Steamin’ Krapp intends to take full advantage of.
“Shit’ll be bitchin’,” Krapp said in a phone interview. “We’re gonna get some plasma screens and a gold column … really pimp the place out, GW style.”
An as-of-yet unreleased rendering obtained by The Buzzkill confirms as much, showing the Washington Monument covered with flatscreen TVs all playing CNN’s “The Situation Room.” Also included is yet another randomly placed gold column and a collection of Krapp’s sheep grazing on the surrounding grass.
The program will work in a similar way to the Adopt a Highway program, where organizations volunteer to keep sections of highway free from litter and debris.
“The way I figure it, we can just throw a couple of Sodexo people on the cleaning part of the job and it’ll be spic n span,” Krapp said. “After all, they’re certainly not doing all that much work servicing customers at J Street.”
University spokeswoman Terri Schiavo would neither confirm nor deny rumors that GW planned to add a Starbucks to the lower level of the Washington Monument, though she did add that such a location would be “pretty sweet, don’t you think?”
Also among the University’s plans for the space are a dress code (North Face jackets and Ugg boots required) and a requirement stipulating that no one entering the area have the slightest clue how to play the game of basketball.
An anonymous source from the National Parks service, the organization which currently maintains the National Mall, said, “If the results are at all like what we saw with the Inaugural Float, we’ll be in some good-ass shape.”