Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The Stickupyour Ass-ociation is always getting criticized for taking themselves too seriously. And it’s true there are more pimply-faced, sex-starved weirdos at most SA meetings than there are at a Lord of the Rings movie premiere. The fact is most SA members seem to spend more time downloading porn than getting anything done (ever wonder where your SA fee ACTUALLY goes?). So how do we make the SA effective?

Easy, get their hands out of their pants and onto some girls. In other words, the SA seriously needs to get laid.

Now we aren’t looking for model material here. These guys would probably have sex with anything remotely resembling a woman while the GW Redcoat live-blogs the 30-second encounter. If you are even remotely desperate (or want to log some community service), I beg you: Please, please just do it. It will only be 30 terrible seconds of your life and everybody will benefit.

If we don’t find any volunteers I propose a fund be created to sweeten the deal. I am willing to put down $100 personally. This fund would provide the girls, and the SA need only bring its years of repressed sexual energy (but some towels for clean-up would be nice!).

So what will come out of this grotesque pile of STD-infested bargain whores and pasty-skinned politician wannabes?

Hopefully, something will actually get done. Perhaps just a good lay will encourage these people to take something other than the SA seriously. Maybe they will realize there is more to life than bylaws, absurd election procedures and the nagging desire to flagellate themselves in honor of the mystical Kapp-Croeger administration.

Now, there are some considerations. Out of a fear that unprotected sex with these toolbags could produce even more toolbags, condoms would be a necessity. The last legacy I’m leaving to my kids is more of these people fucking things up.

In the end getting the SA laid is the only solution. A few lucky girls might even get a moustache-ride from you-know-who out of it. Otherwise we will have to put up with more of this douchebaggery.

The writer, a junior majoring in gang-banging, is founder and president of GW’s anti-toolbaggery society.