Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Reader’s note to the reader’s note: Sadly, these statistics are accurate.

So here’s a newsflash for you: The University is nearly one billion dollars in debt. That’s right – one billion goddamn dollars – with a capital “B.”

Of course, none of you really give a shit, do you? We didn’t think so. I guess we have to put this in terms you can understand.

1 BILLION:

6.7 million pairs of Uggs

37,000 kilograms of cocaine (If you’re getting good shit)

303 million packages of matzos

14.3 million months of Blackberry service (that’s including the Blackberry itself)

28.5 million pairs of ugly plaid shorts

19,230 four-year degrees at GW (including room and board)

6.4 million roundtrip Amtrak tickets to New Jersey

One B-2 stealth bomber