April Fools’ Issue: The collegiate orgy

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

It’s been said that you’ve never really had sex until you’ve done it simultaneously with several strangers. I’m not sure who said it, but I think it’s been said.

Anyway, having an orgy is one of those activities best done in college, before you have a career to ruin. So I’d like, if I may, to make a humble suggestion. Make history. Become a legend. Have an orgy in your dorm room.

Unfortunately, you’re going to be working with a maximum of about 800 square feet. Unless you want to have your orgy in Greek housing (the implications of which are a topic for another article), space is going to be very limited. Just remember to throw towels and blankets over everything for easy cleanup. I’m not sure if GW Housing will take semen stains out of your carpet (unless they are invited to the party). I have no advice on how to explain a bill for “semen stain cleanup” to your parents.

The rest of the logistics are complicated. There are a lot of things to consider.

First is the guest list. For your first time, I don’t suggest making this an open party. There’s a difference between the “Eyes Wide Shut” orgy and the “Shortbus” orgy. In one, everyone is creepy and someone winds up dead from an overdose. In the other, everyone learns something new, and the orgy has a happy ending. You want the latter.

The guest list is a hard call to make. There are definitely people you want to leave off the roster. For example, don’t invite the super-prudes who would call their parents if they saw a man dressed in a monkey costume penetrating someone with a banana, or someone having sex with a chocolate eclair. You’re going to want your guests to feel comfortable to explore their interests.

Also, if one of your friend is that guy who stands in the corner at parties and doesn’t talk to anyone, don’t invite him either. Voyeurism is acceptable in a certain context, but that vapid, uninvited stare from across the room is going to be the ultimate boner-killer.

There are little things to keep in mind as well. Snacks are crucial for a good orgy. Prunes and bean dip are only for a certain kind of orgy – not the one I’m describing here. Emphasize sexy foods, like fruit and chocolate, with flavors that will make people fun to kiss.

Make contraceptives widely available. I suggest putting assorted condoms and lubes in a candy bowl, displayed prominently next to the refreshments. Remember, this is not a pregnancy party or an STD party – that’s also another column entirely.

The most important thing to remember, as the host of an orgy, is to make people feel comfortable. If one of your guests keeps smacking her head against a headboard, get her a pillow. If someone is lonely, bring them a cucumber – or other phallic-shaped vegetable. You get the idea.

The Hatchet has disabled comments on our website. Learn more.