April Fools’ Issue: Sigma Upsilon Kappa raises record $2.57 for Juvenile Alzheimers Fund

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The Sigma Upsilon Kappa sorority raised a record $2.57 at their annual fundraiser Saturday night for SUK’s national philanthropy, the Juvenile Alzheimer’s Fund.

SUK President Skanky McSlutberg said she was pleased with the record haul.

“I think that it is important to help people,” she said, pausing briefly to look down at her cue cards. “This money will go to help people.”

Saturday’s fundraiser was held at Lotus nightclub and cost about $200,000. Sorority sisters and their friends enjoyed giant chocolate fountains, ice sculptures of Michaelangelo’s David that urinated fuzzy navels and a dark substance that looked and smelled suspiciously like black tar heroin.

“This is the greatest night of my life!” yelled one SUK member who requested anonymity but was probably named Lindsay or Alyssa. Reaching for an edible Faberge egg off the back of one of the Malaysian slaves shipped in for the fundraiser, she added “It’s basically the same thing I do every night, but this time it’s all for a good cause!”

The nearly three dollars raised by SUK breaks the previous record of $1.96 set by Chi Omicron Kappa fraternity in 2006. The fraternity had reportedly shaken down orphanages to raise money for the upper-middle class charity Help for the Vacation Home-less.

GW Director of Greek-letter Life Touch-My Hardwood said he was immensely pleased by the sorority’s efforts.

“This just goes to show how committed GW skanks are to philanthropy,” Hardwood said while scanning Craigslist for a job that did not so closely resemble hell. “I hope the efforts of these completely vapid bimbos are not lost on the rest of the student body.”

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