April Fools’ Issue: Outgoing SA president bugged own office

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

An independent Stickuptheir Ass-ociation committee discovered last week that SA President Vishard Nixon bugged his own Marvin Center office, and tapes reveal an array of disturbing activities and behaviors.

The committee was tipped off to the existence of the tapes by a former member of the SA, who resigned to spend more time preventing travelers from crossing bridges.

The tapes reveal a “dirty tricks” campaign to discredit administration critics. Nixon can be heard authorizing burglaries of former press secretary Dietcokea Whatwhata’s psychiatrist’s office and the campaign headquarters of former SA presidential candidate Kato Kaelinzowski.

Nixon replied to the allegations in a televised address that was watched by no one.

“The GW student has a right to know if their president is a crook,” said the sweaty and frenzied engineering student. “And while I might be paranoid, insecure and so bad at my job I’ve been tapped to run FEMA, I am not a crook!”

Nixon’s mustache was a common topic on the tapes.

“Bring me my fucking tiny comb!” he is heard yelling to underlings, later saying, “I’ve got a fine piece of freshman ass coming over in a few minutes and I need that Barbie comb to make this ‘stache look good.”

In another segment of the tape, Nixon instructs members of the Committee to Reelect the Vishard to use the inaugural float account to purchase “the best LSD money can buy” so he and float designer Harley Burboingboing could conjure up new ideas for the project.

“If you tell anyone that the float is just a spectacular vision I had in an acid trip, I will break you,” Nixon is heard telling his advisors. “It’s such a magical collection of random GW shit that makes perfect sense when you’re tripping balls.”

SA Executive Vice President Needsa Loyer said he was not surprised by the tapes.

“Vishard and his mustache need to grow up and understand that we’re wasting everyone’s time and money,” Loyer said, disemboweling members of the Joint Erections Committee. “Oh, and you never saw me doing this.”

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