Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
In an unprecedented but not altogether surprising move, the entire GW men’s basketball team decided to transfer out of the program, according to a press release issued by the athletic department Sunday.
No reason has been given for the sudden departure of all 11 nongraduating members of the roster, with head coach Owwtova Jobbs declining to comment on the matter outside of the press release.
“There are certain expectations that we have as a program that just weren’t met,” Jobbs said in the release. “It’s unfortunate, but GW just wasn’t the right fit for this basketball team. I wish them luck in their futures.”
The departure of the team represents the fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, fourteenth and fifteenth players to leave the program in the last 13 months.
“I still don’t think this is a trend,” Director of Balls Yak Nopants said, echoing sentiments he expressed after another Colonial left the team in January. “I mean look, it can’t continue. There’s no one left to transfer.”
Players were not available for comment and tattled on reporters that knocked on their doors, but sources close to the team suggested they were leaving because they did not fit into Jobbs’ system, wanted to play closer to home, desired more playing time, would prefer not to be taken out of the game for no ostensible reason and grew bored of passing the ball around the perimeter and running the “wheel” every time they had the ball on offense.
Speculation has immediately become rampant on where the group will end up. Many expect them to follow the precedent set by past ex-Colonials and land at an obscure community college in the Midwest, while others have pointed out that the WNBA’s Washington Mystics will be holding open tryouts in less than three weeks. Some scouts have been so impressed with the players’ futility that they suggested the Colonials may eventually be able to replace the Washington Generals, longtime stooges to the world-famous Harlem Globetrotters.
Still others have guessed they may continue their collegiate careers at Fordham. The Bronx-based school is evidently without a men’s basketball team altogether, which is the only way to explain how they somehow managed to finish worse than GW each of the last two years.