Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Last fall, GW’s School of Malpractice and Hazardous Sciences had its accreditation placed on probation by the Losers Creating Medical Expectations. SMHS has since gone above and beyond the call of duty to keep the true reasons for this embarrassment under wraps. And with good reason. This report, obtained by The GW Buzzkill, makes us sorry we asked.

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The Losers Creating Medical Expectations officially finds the GW School of Malpractice and Hazardous Sciences in violation of the following codes. Seriously, WTF?

Curriculum requirements: Using live human specimens in gross anatomy 101 is not proper procedure. They should be dead prior to the class, and ideally you should not be the reason for their demise.

Cost efficiency: Recycling used needles, while certainly cost-effective, is not an appropriate way to cut down on equipment costs. On the bright side, a major source of Washington D.C.’s AIDS epidemic is now understandable.

Medical research: Blood-letting and leeching were already tried in the Middle Ages. It didn’t work then either.

Patient care: Teaching aspiring medical practitioners to alleviate patients’ pain is a necessary part of a medical education. That still does not make it legal to prescribe ‘medicinal’ crack-cocaine.

Fundraising: How many times do we have to tell you? Auctioning off harvested organs on eBay is NOT acceptable. At least do it on the black market.

Student life: The source of the “mystery meat” has been confirmed. All students and faculty are strongly encouraged to skip lunch.

Community building: Acceptable: placing bets on who will win the Super Bowl. Not acceptable: Placing bets on who can kill the most patients in a month without getting caught.

Staff Hygeine: Dr. McDreamy cut his hair?!?!?! Why mess with perfection?

Get your shit together.