Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
University President Steamin’ Krapp announced yesterday the formation of a new task force to examine the effectiveness of task forces.
The Task Force on Task Forces (TFTF) will evaluate the necessity and relevance of the 3,000 existing administrative task forces on campus. More than 200 task forces have been created in the past month alone.
“We’ve been accused of ‘overdoing it’ when it comes to task forces,” Krapp said. “This is our response to all the haterz in the house.”
Among the task forces that have been criticized are the Task Force on Does This Suit Make Me Look Fat, the Task Force on That Homeless Guy Outside HOVA and the Task Force on Getting That Girl in FSK Drunk Enough That She’ll Finally Hook Up With Me.
Krapp also pointed to the success of the Task Force on Getting Some Fucking Decent Lunch for Once, after which it was decided that a rotation of senior administrators would be responsible for purchasing lunch that didn’t taste like it was found in a Marvin Center bathroom.
Executive Vice President Dicklick Lectureman, a member of the new task force, said the committee plans to spend the next six months sifting through thousands of pages of documents only marginally related to the task at hand. Eventually he hopes the task force will release a list of vague and incoherent recommendations that will probably be forgotten immediately.
“This is bureaucracy at its finest,” he said. “And whatever happens, I get paid as usual. Seriously, I make half a mil a year to do this shit.”
The TFTF is not without critics. Professor of economics Ca$h Money said he was concerned about the effectiveness of the whole idea.
“I’m worried that the TFTF will not be able to see the big picture when it comes to task forces,” he said. “I hate to say it, but I think we might need a Task Force on the Task Force on Task Forces.”
Others have suggested that the very idea of a TFTFTF could destroy the time-space continuum.
In response to Money, University spokeswoman Terri Schiavo said a task force to evaluate the TFTF was already in the works.
“Once you create one task force it’s kind of hard to stop,” Schiavo said. “It’s basically the same as alcohol or cocaine or needlessly expensive new residence halls.”