Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Seriously, you should listen to everything I have to say, because my opinions are derived from about a semester of experience at this school. Who cares if I’m still bitching about Colonial Inauguration and was in high school about 6 months ago, what I have to say is really fucking important.

Like the lack of school spirit at GW, for example. Has anyone noticed that GW lacks school spirit? No? I’m here to tell you in a holier-than-thou column that there is a serious lack of pride around here – a unique observation that every student has obviously overlooked after spending four years here.

And I’m sick and fuckin’ tired of hearing the petty-ass, grumbling “I’ve been here for three years, I know more than you” argument. Bullshit. Well guess what, you don’t.

I’ll admit you’ve been in college longer. Congratulations. But I’ve still been generally awesome for longer – I was class president in high school. This awesomeness has given me the ability to see through all the muck of GW and bestow upon the inhabitants of Foggy Bottom the truth according to me – which is truth according to a kid who turned 18 two weeks ago. I am not tainted by years of drugs and alcohol. My brain has yet to be completely soaked with liquor, but I might complain about Thurston binge drinking in a column.

I’d also like to write a column about how you all should spend a week in my hometown in New Hampshire before you keep bitching about the cold weather in Washington. See, I’ll bet no one has written about how not cold Washington winters are compared to their New England hometown. I’m the first, it’s just simply never been done.

And you know what? I don’t need to research my columns, because my random speculation and rambling thoughts are strong enough to make a solid point. So I don’t care whether all my suggestions were already tried two years ago, let’s try them again because I said so!

So, to set the record straight, the proletariat needs to stop with complaints about freshman commentators. Every year the esteemed University leadership says, “This year’s incoming class is smarter than ever.” So shut up or write an educated rebuttal – which I will completely disregard.

The writer, a freshman majoring in, well, actually he has not decided his major yet, is cooler than you’ll ever be.