Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
March 27 – 11:32 p.m. – Thurston Hall
Two male students experimenting with psychedelic drugs reported to the Unarmed Police Department that their microwave was verbally berating them. When officers arrived on the scene, the subjects were crying naked on the floor. The officers left because they did not have the necessary guns to help the students.
Referred to Stairway to Heaven played with the iTunes visualizer
March 24 – 3:32 p.m. – Phillips Hall
A UPD officer patrolling the neighborhood noticed a male individual having trouble walking. He tackled the subject to the ground and forcibly assessed his condition. Officers from the Bomb Squad and the SWAT Team arrived on the scene and determined that the individual was not of legal drinking age. The subject was handcuffed, muzzled and transported to the GW Hospital, where doctors discovered he only had a sprained ankle.
Referred to the Federal Bureau of Investigation
February 13 – 9:07 p.m. – New Hall
One member of the Unarmed Police Department challenged another officer to a duel, but they did not have guns.
Referred to UPD Chief Dolores Wantsaglock
March 25 – 9:32 a.m. – Gelman Library
An employee of the library reported to UPD that several dozen students were masturbating simultaneously at computers around the building. It was later determined that the students were not affiliated with each other, but part of a weird GW trend of people masturbating in public. An officer reached for his gun to stop them from masturbating, but sadly found an empty holster.
Referred to a better place to blow your load. Anywhere, really.
March 26 – 3:45 a.m. – Rice Hall
An unidentified man in his mid-fifties was found leaning out a window on the top floor of Rice Hall screaming, “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore!” The man was described to officers as balding and portly, and having an idiotic policy about people not taking photos inside his home.
Referred to the Board of Trustees