April Fools’ Issue: Exclusive: Rahm Emanuel’s speech

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Through confidential sources, The Buzzkill has obtained a copy of Rahm Emanuel’s Commencement address, after its first round of editing by an unknown GW administrator. Reprinted here in full.

Hello GW,

Follow your fucking dreams.

I’m going to say a lot today, but remember that’s the major point I’m trying to make – and I emphasize the ‘fucking’ dreams because you’ve got to want this.

When I was first asked to speak at GW for your Commencement, I thought: what the fuck is GW? was very honored. Then I remembered your inaugural float. Seriously? I mean it looked like your school took a collective shit on a flatbed. Whoever designed that deserves to have their knees capped. It looked like it took a lot of work, and you all deserve to be commended for it.

That brings me to my first fucking lesson, if somebody gets in your way, break reason with them. Look at the Stickupyour Ass-ociation president you guys elected, Vishard Nixon. He’s exactly how a politician should be: in your face, secretive and if you cross him, he will end you open, honest and always working in the best interests of the people. His chief of staff got a skull-fucking I only wish I could deliver. Follow his example and you will reach your fucking dreams.

-pause for them to fucking worship me with applause-

You all made a good fucking choice by coming to this city for school. After all, you are closer to the assholes idols you want to become. I’ve never seen more college students obsessed with becoming fucking douchebag senators and lawyers. The last one thing we need in these troubled times is more shitheads like that running around is more dedicated public servants.

Speaking of shitheads, I’m just going to warn all you Republican fucktards now: Stay the fuck out of my way. If you think that you war-loving, sodomy banning, Bible-thumping, racist, repressed homosexual, gun fucking, Page molesting, inbred sons of bitches are going to get anywhere in life, you’ve got another thing coming. And it’ll probably be my fist in your face. Just because you can’t get laid doesn’t mean that you have to take it out on the rest of us.

It’s times like these that remind me of my favorite philosopher, Jonathan Shale, the mercenary turned high school teacher played by Tom Berenger in “The Substitute.” He said, “I’m in charge of this classroom. I’m the warrior chief, the merciless god who stirs anything in its path. You fuck mess with me, and you will suffer my wrath.” That about sums up my attitude toward life, as it should for you as well. Don’t let anybody get in the way of your dreams.

Thank you and enjoy what will likely be a pointless and wholly insignificant make the most of life.

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