Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
The University announced Friday that former Vice President Dick Cheney will be the new leader of the GW Hospital. At a press conference, Cheney proclaimed that he accepted the position because “GW is where my heart is.”
He meant the comment literally, as a team of GW researchers have been trying for months to restore Cheney’s heart – a black, rock-like object – to its normal semi-human state. They concluded in October that small bits of concentrated evil had metastasized in the left ventricle.
“It turns out that the abnormal heartbeat we were treating him for was caused by a small Satanic tumor,” said Dr. Shmuel Torahberg.
Several of the doctors have fallen ill trying to dissect the evil from Cheney’s heart, which occasionally emits a methane-like toxic gas.
“Imagine that Dick Cheney ate six burritos and sat on your face,” said Dr. Sumju Ishguy, referring to the terrible smell. “That’s what we’re talking about here.”
But the sharpshooting politician has been able to survive, somewhat miraculously, without the essential organ for several months – though he is looking for a possible replacement.
“I hope to lead the GW Hospital into the next generation of medical care,” Cheney said at the press conference, later muttering under his breath, “This place is practically a gold mine of hearts just waiting to be harvested.”
Following the news conference, the politician walked into his new office, drank a pint of blood and called University President Steamin’ Krapp to discuss a change to the school’s torture policy.
“I need to protect the patients in this hospital from viruses and bacteria,” he told Krapp. “If that means beating them into submission and ripping the beating hearts out of their bodies, then so be it.”
Administrators have hailed the announcement about Cheney as a major accomplishment for the University.
“What other school in the world can boast that a former vice president is leading its hospital?” said GW Vice President Stu Dogs, before clutching the gaping hole in his chest and dying.