Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
In a candid letter addressed to Stickuptheir Ass-ociation Executive Vice President Needsa Loyer, David Fowler’s blue 1997 Jeep Cherokee officially resigned from its parking spot on H Street this week.
The Cherokee, which effectively disqualified Loyer from the SA presidential election last week, said it was tired of Loyer’s demeaning remarks.
“I will be vacating my post on H Street as soon as possible, leaving behind an oil stain from my failing tailpipe, as well as my dignity,” the Cherokee wrote.
In the letter, the car depicted the mistreatment it has received over the course of the election cycle by Loyer and his campaign staff.
“I will no longer be violated by anxious fraternity fingers and their cheap, pithy excuses for political propaganda,” the Cherokee wrote in the letter.
The Cherokee added that it felt extremely offended by Loyer’s ageist remarks made during legal proceedings.
“Your ridiculous claims that my age and disability strip me of my value are completely unfounded, not to mention hurtful,” the car wrote.
The car also said it was offended by the way its owner, David Fowler, acted during the election cycle.
“Mr. Fowler should be ashamed of himself for recommending me to your campaign, and I fully intend to slowly break down internally in the near future, rendering him incapable of joyrides and hamburger runs via my once-glorious tires.”