Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Monday

Pseudo-Celebrity Speaks in Lisner

Come hear Richard Karn, Al Borland from “Home Improvement,” talk about his newfound love of knitting and beard shaving.
3:30 a.m. to 4:40 a.m.
Lisner Auditorium

Tuesday

Fountainflingfest

Program Board combined all events in the year into one concert on the Virginia Campus. Musicians include Richard Karn.
3:30 p.m.
Research Building II

Wednesday

Obscure Pornographic Movie Screening

See a screening of the 2003 Richard Karn pornographic classic “Karnal Attraction.” Karn, who is on campus for the whole week, will host a reception following the event in Thurston 201.
8:30 p.m.
Marvin Center 342