April Fools’ Issue: Budget laser light show features fast laser pointers

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The popular Colonial Inauguration laser show will be resurrected this summer, but economic woes have forced organizers to replace the $15,000 automated presentation with work study students moving laser pointers really quickly.

Administrators have praised the cost-saving measure, which has resulted in several incoming freshmen to have epileptic fits after watching the work study students try to display a hippo by rapidly moving their hands around in a hippo-like motion.

Students have been pulled from their traditional work study duties – from administrative assistant duties in the American studies department to reading to D.C. kids – to make this year’s laser light show a success. Each student will be given a standard economical size laser pointer, said University President Steamin’ Krapp.

“Student-created work is more meaningful than something mass manufactured, because it’s ‘made with love’,” Krapp said, clearly just making up excuses. “This work also demonstrates student creativity and saves dollars! But don’t worry, I’m still building that $300 million science center.”

The laser lights will be accompanied by live music and original compositions that “incorporate the mission of GW with rock and roll,” said Lite Brite, GW’s Director of Laser Light Affairs, who is paid $600,000 a year.

“Our new show will be a hundred times better than Trachtenbucks’,” Krapp said. “Not that I’m purposely trying to show I’m a better president or anything. But if this happens to make me more popular with the students of GW, well I can’t control it if the students love me.”

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