South by Sunburn 2009

Hi Hatchet.

I’m reporting in as half of the team of rock n roll futurenauts selected to bring coverage of SXSW 2009 to seminal rock block “”. In twelve hours Ani Mamourian and I will be on a plane (and in like 29 hours we’ll be getting off as Southwest apparently only offers deals if and only if one first accepts layovers in Minneapolis and Ghana) on our way to Austin. My personal level of exuberance has been seriously diminished as I stayed in a tanning booth too long this weekend (I needed a strong base to highlight my defined cheekbones) and I am more burnt than something people typically associate with being burnt. Even after googling a series of hilarious holistic remedies (including but not limited to filling a bathtub with oatmeal and spraying vinegar onto the affected areas) I look like a bad ass fifth grader who told his mom he was too cool for SPF 45. In addition to ruining my plan to look totally hot in crowd photos it has also taken away my ability to raise my arms more than six inches and APPARENTLY aloe vera is not a legitimate cure. (1) So, that’s a bummer.

ANYWAY. I recognize that you, the Hatchet reader, are putting your faith in us, the Hatchet “writer,” to bring you an unbiased meditation on what South by Southwest means in an era of recession and how this reflects a greater change in popular culture (see: The Kevin Costner as The Mariner in Waterworld Effect) and we promise to do that. Additionally we can promise:

1- NO stupid jokes about hipsters (LOL! Hipsters are stupid! And what is the deal with those jeans?)
2- AS a corollary I will also not be making any stupid jokes about Pitchfork (LOL! Pitchfork is stupid! And what is the deal with those reviews?)
3- MANY incoherent tweets about Shaq.
4- GIFS. so many Gifs
5- REVIEWS of BBQ places in Austin
5a- THAT one was untrue
6- LOTS of talk about how I think the Hold Steady is a way awesome band

That’s about it.

The rest we’ll just kind of fake.

So come back. We’ve got plenty of aloe (science is often wrong… like that whole smoking is bad for you thing), a DSLR, a flip video camera, a hilarious rented apartment that has a mounted deer head in it, a shitton of Easter candy, and an impressive selection of neon cardigans and we promise to put them all to good use.

So here’s me:

Japan, like rural Illinois, has Circle K
Japan, like rural Illinois, has Circle K

Here’s Ani:

And McDonalds
And McDonalds

And here’s a gif of Jordan dunking:


And if that isn’t enough I’m not sure we want you here

(1) Maenthaisong R, Chaiyakunapruk N, Niruntraporn S, Kongkaew C. The efficacy of aloe vera used for burn wound healing: a systematic review. Burns 2007; 33(6): 713-718 (

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