Comedian Bill Burr, best known for his role on “Chappelle’s Show,” will be performing at the DC Improv Festival this weekend, from Nov. 6 through Nov. 8. Burr sent two pieces of advice our way.

The first: “In life everyone has to take a dick in the ass, but with the right information, you can determine the size.”

The second: “I’m really into conspiracy theory. You ever notice, whenever the government screws up, McDonalds has a new sandwich?”

No, we did not. Either way, see Burr at DC Improv, on Connecticut Avenue this weekend. Tickets are $22.