Two bits in which comedian Bill Burr is Ann Landers

Comedian Bill Burr, best known for his role on “Chappelle’s Show,” will be performing at the DC Improv Festival this weekend, from Nov. 6 through Nov. 8. Burr sent two pieces of advice our way.

The first: “In life everyone has to take a dick in the ass, but with the right information, you can determine the size.”

The second: “I’m really into conspiracy theory. You ever notice, whenever the government screws up, McDonalds has a new sandwich?”

No, we did not. Either way, see Burr at DC Improv, on Connecticut Avenue this weekend. Tickets are $22.

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