When it comes to nightlife, the most important part of the evening is often what happens after the bar or club. For many students, the setting of the sun marks the beginning of hunting season.

The target? A hookup.

In an effort to better understand the art of the random hookup, I sought out a GW student, a sexpert of sorts, who keeps a spreadsheet record of all his sexcapades.

Over wine at a discreet off-campus location, my source – we’ll call him Mr. Spreadsheet — explained how he was drawn into the world of hookups and one night stands.

“It’s all about the race to 270,” Mr. Spreadsheet said.

Huh?

“It’s a campaign of sorts for the presidency,” he explained. In this political race, candidates win electoral votes based on their hookups’ home states.

Only at GW.

Mr. Spreadsheet disclosed that he already has garnered 210 electoral votes – the White House is nearly in his grasp.

So what does this spreadsheet look like?

Despite multiple requests under the Freedom of Information Act, Mr. Spreadsheet refused to hand over a copy to The Hatchet.

But it’s pretty basic, he explained rather professorially. The list has columns for the hookup’s name, home state (and the number of electoral votes it has), date of the hookup and an index of what was done. However, there are no rankings, just a list of “firsts.”

As a proud Texan, I had to ask the presidential hopeful if he’d had a good experience with the voters in my state.

“Texas has been good to me,” said Mr. Spreadsheet with a smile, lifting his glass to the Lone Star State.

Not that it’s a competition, but he didn’t even mention New Jersey.

While his aspirations for a big electoral win prompted my source to begin the spreadsheet, it has more practical applications as well.

“It’s beneficial for health issues,” explained Mr. Spreadsheet. “Because some STDs don’t show up for six months.”

I guess he wants to be able to send the appropriate person a thank-you note, should he have inherited something along the way. How considerate.

The risk of disease aside, for those still interested in some “carnal satisfaction,” Mr. Spreadsheet has some tips on how to spice up the night.

“Flirty eyes are the best,” he said, coyly adding that fun underwear is also essential.

“Don’t be afraid to improvise,” advised Mr. Spreadsheet. He then leaned forward and whispered that a belt can be used in lieu of handcuffs.

Ah, the things they don’t teach you in school.

As fun as the hookup craze may sound, before you run out and launch your own presidential campaign, Mr. Spreadsheet admitted that his obsession with winning the sexual race to the White House may have driven him to do things he now regrets.

“There are more important things than being president, such as morals,” admitted Mr. Spreadsheet, blushing a bit.

“It’s fun for a time … but just cycling people through the door can get old,” warned the recovering sex addict, who proudly boasted that it’s been weeks since his last hookup.

Politics can be a dangerous game and in Mr. Spreadsheet’s case, it’s literally a contact sport.

And while college is a chance to explore and have fun, the reality is that in the world of the random hookup, you don’t always end up on top (no pun intended).

“You can feel cheapened,” confessed a repentant Mr. Spreadsheet. “Even if you are winning the electoral race, in the end it’s you that gets hurt.”