April Fool’s Issue: Weekly Checkup: Fungus

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

If you love how clean your clothes feel after a nice laundry session-and you enjoy not being sick-then DON’T WASH THEM ON CAMPUS.

In late January, a fuzzy, green fungus was reported in several of Ivory Tower’s washing machines and dryers. Junior Vicky Gross’s roommate said the smell of Gross’s clothes, which had not been washed for two months, was getting unbearable. Gross was about to throw her clothes in one of the building’s washing machines when she discovered something that made her scream so loud she woke up the homeless man sleeping in the corner of the room.

“There was this, like, icky, disgusting, grotesque green growth covering an entire half of the inside of the machine,” Gross wrote in an e-mail because she is currently in isolation due to exposure to the fungus.

She has an infectious airborne illness that called Madewhathef Disease and is temporarily mute and blind as a result.

“When I smelled the inside of the machine, I think I inhaled a lot of the contaminants because I immediately broke out in hives and my vision blurred,” she said.

Students living in Ivory were shocked to discover that despite the fact that they pay $25, 999.99 a year they still have to deal with fungus-filled laundry facilities.

“I mean, if anyone should have to deal with fungus in their washing machines, it should be the kids slumming it in Thurston,” said senior Richie Spoiled. “They only pay like $8,000 for their freaking rooms.”

But those not living in Ivory should not jump for joy. According to Susan Complaney, the health education programming and managing outreach director/coordinator, the fungus also comes in a form that is invisible to the naked eye.

“It is quite possible that many other residence halls are also contaminated, but we just don’t know about it yet,” she said. “In fact, it is likely that as much as 5 percent of the student body has been infected. Symptoms, however, can start out similar to those of the common cold, so many may not yet know they have been inflicted with a serious illness.”

Complaney said it is vital that any student who is suffering from nasal congestion, watery eyes, fainting spells, excruciating pain, or a significant decrease in the ability to hear or see should immediately contact Student Health Services. These are among some of the symptoms that generally accompany Madewhathef Disease.

Complaney also advises students to remain at least 30 feet from the machines for at least a few weeks. It is unlikely that Residential Property Management will have time to clean the campus laundry rooms for at least 14 to 23 days, possibly longer.

“Anything that really needs to be washed should be done in the safety of your own bathtub or sink,” she said.

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