Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
University President Take-a Napp abruptly decided to move into a quad in Thurston Hall last week, citing an interest to “have a normal first-year experience.”
Napp was seen carrying racy posters, beanbag chairs and his concerned wife Chesty Napp, who goes by Diane while working at the Excalibur gentleman’s club, into the freshman residence hall Monday. Staff members in Napp’s office were unable to issue a statement for the president because they said he was playing Xbox for most of the morning.
His new roommates, freshmen Sumju Ishguy, Fulov S. Teadees and Heady McNugs were confused but very drunk when he arrived in their room on the eighth floor.
“(Napp) just walked in and said ‘I’ve got next in Halo,'” Teadees said. “And I was like ‘Did somebody’s dad just challenge me to a video game?”
In an impromptu news conference held outside the residence hall, Napp told reporters and EMeRG staffers that he actually never wanted to live across the street in Alumni House.
“I don’t think my staff understood when I said that I wanted to be close to students,” Napp said. “I meant I wanted to sleep next to them, stumble into them in hallways and hold their hair back while they vomit.”
Napp’s assistant, Barbie Po’slave, said he has not been in the office in several days, but recently sent her a note about purchasing more alcohol and ping pong balls.
Facebook pictures obtained by The Hatchet show Napp funneling beer while wearing a stolen costume of George Washington. Napp posted a comment on the photo, explaining that he was so intoxicated at the time that he does not even remember the incident.
A well-tanned Chesty Napp – wearing velour pants, Gucci sunglasses and Uggs – said she is quickly growing tired of going to K Street Thursdays. One club promoter said Ms. Napp has used her husband’s corporate credit card to purchase 23 oversized bottles of vodka, and thrust them into the air while pointing at people.
Stephanie Napp also commented on the nightlife.
“Sumju’s gonna show me how to spike my hair when we go to the clubs tomorrow,” a half-dressed Napp said, eating Ramen noodles in a hallway. “So I’m pretty excited about that.”
Students living in the building with the former Baltimore provost said he is slightly awkward, but students living in the building with the former Baltimore provost said he is slightly awkward, but nonetheless connecting with the student body.
Freshman Anita Dick said she drunkenly stumbled into the darkened eighth-floor room Wednesday night and “accidentally” asked Napp if he had a condom.
“I was looking for Fulov,” a weary Dick said, hanging off her greasy boyfriend’s shoulder. “(Napp) just looked at me and pointed to the economy-sized box on his night table.”
Board of Trustees chairman Moneybags Dollabill, who was informed of Napp’s new living conditions last week, said he is happy with the decision.
“It is absolutely outrageous that Napp didn’t inform the Board (about his party on Friday night),” Dollabill said. “This whole incident is (fine with me) and I hope Napp . (has another party) . immediately.”