April Fool’s Issue: Trach is “Client No. 8”

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

FBI documents obtained by The Hatchet revealed the prostitution ring which brought down the governor of New York also brought down former University President Stella Joke Trachtenomorejob.

Identified as “Client No. 8,” Trachtenomorejob frequented the President’s Club VIP on GW’s dime. Confidential federal records indicate that for more than a decade, he used $482,000 of tuition money retrieved from a Swiss bank to fund his sexual escapades. Each hour with the call girl service ranged from $1,500 to $2,000, depending on the use of whips, the prostitute’s fluency in Yiddish and her threshold for diseased breath.

Both Trachtenomorejob and GW director if misinformation Terry Schiavo declined to comment on specifics, but a source with close ties to the former administrator said the embezzlement investigation led to his early retirement in 2007.

“He wuz heeah for 19 years and was probably going to retiah at a round numbah like 20. So close. But his cahnal pleasures got the bettah of him,” said Trachtenomorejob’s friend, a current senior administrator with a heavy Boston accent and goofy face who requested anonymity. “That girl he was bangin’ was wicked cute, though.”

He added that the call girl “was down to fuck. Ya know – bettah than Thurston’s finest.”

The half-million-dollar expense to the University directly led to the fixed-tuition plan, according to the FBI documents. The 16-percent increase in tuition the year the plan went into effect paid off the former president’s hooker debt from 2004.

Although refusing to lucidly comment on allegations of criminal activity at the University, GW director of misinformation Terry Schiavo said the tuition hike was an unrelated event. Then again, she got the Bond press release wrong, so who knows.

“I will neither confirm nor deny that Trachtenomorejob is a man-slut who stole from our fine school,” she said. “GW is a very affordable institution of higher learning, and any fluctuations in the price are due to the fantabulous faculty we are bringing in – or, um, to pay off interest on the 65 plasma TVs we installed in BLAH Wingery.”

The anonymous source said that when the U.S. Department of Justice informed GW’s Board of Trustees of the prostitution ring and embezzlement, tempers flared.

The most enraged by the revelations were not administrators or fundraisers, but Trachtenomorejob’s wife Franny Zhorny. Instead of taking a page out of the playbook of New York’s first lady – standing silently by her husband at a press conference – she opted to show a little more emotion.

“I’m going to castrate that SOB with a spoon,” Mrs. Trachtenomorejob said in an interview with The Hatchet, as she took a swig from her flask of Jagermeister. “I cook, I clean, I listen to him kvetch. When he needs a clean shirt, I yell at the maid to do the laundry. Just like any good wife.”

She said she feels deeply hurt by the infidelity, but was even more concerned by the costs of her husband’s hobbies.

“Two grand an hour? He’s 68 and Jewish. I can’t believe he paid retail.”

The Hatchet has disabled comments on our website. Learn more.