Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The GW Apathetic Department announced yesterday it has received an additional $20 million for renovations to 32-year-old Shitty Cop-out-for-an-arena. The additional funds will come from Long Island based GW Rich Daddies, LLC.

Director of Apathetics Yack Nopants told the The Pussy in an exclusive interview he wasn’t sure how to handle the sudden influx of money to his budget.

“At first we thought about declining the offer because we know nobody even comes to these stupid games anyway,” Nopants said. “But then we decided to keep it anyway, cause we need to fill the seeeeeeats.”

Blueprints for the upgrade have yet to be released to the public, but Nopants decided to share some of the plans anyway.

“Instead of a scoreboard, we’re gonna have an up-to-the minute count of players suspended for breaking unspecified team rules,” Nopants said.

Shitty Cop-out has long been berated for its crappy hot dogs. Nopants, however, had a solution for a recent fans’ exclamation, “I’m finished with these rock-hard wieners!”

“First of all, that’s what she said,” the always charismatic Nopants said. “Second of all, we’re putting a full-service Starbucks on the second floor so the babes are down fa sho. Also, we’re adding a CVS because we don’t think there are enough of them on campus.”

For years, Shitty Cop-out has housed facilities for GW’s lesser-known sports like baseball, swimming, and gymnastics. After the update, Nopants said this will no longer be the case.

“I wish I could tell you that we made a conscious decision cut out those facilities, but in reality I forgot that we even had those sports until after we drafted the blueprints. My bad,” he said.

Previously drawn up plans include better study areas and vastly improve locker rooms. Nopants said these additional adjustments demonstrate the department’s desire to have more attractive facilities for recruiting purposes, adding that so far, the plans seem to be paying dividends.

“We need the space,” Nopants said. “An in-house diploma mill would be so much easier anyway.”