Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
Slapyour Ass Executive Vice President-elect Metroman Troyer stepped down from his position as EVP and on Tuesday, President-elect Vajay Jay will appoint his mustache to replace Troyer.
Troyer was arrested for jumping over Metro turnstiles in more than 20 different D.C. Metro stations on Friday. Security cameras show Troyer, a licensed minister, hurdling over the turnstiles screaming, “Fuck the man! Praise the Lord!”
Troyer complied with SA president-elect Vajay Jay’s request to step down from his position as EVP. He was deeply sorry for his actions, Troyer said in a news release.
“I realize now that I had a one-track mind,” said Troyer, a sophomore. “My actions were reprehensible and I pray that God, Vajay Jay, and most importantly the student body will forgive me.”
Vajay Jay said since Troyer stepped down, that Jay’s mustache is the best choice for EVP.
“I have thought long and hard about the issue of who to appoint as EVP next year,” Vajay Jay said. “After serious debate, I have decided that my mustache will be more capable than Troyer and the other tools serving on this body.”
The president-elect said he got the idea to grow his mustache at the age of 12 when he found his father’s collection of 70s pornography in the basement.
“I remember watching “White Men Can’t Hump: Handlebar Ho’s and Bellbottom Bro’s” and thinking ‘damn I wish my mustache had that kind of strength,'” Vajay Jay said. “Today, my mustache has that strength and I have the videos to prove it.”
Vajay Jay’s mustache said it is thrilled with Jay’s decision.
“I have worked closely with Vajay Jay for many years and I am more than qualified to take the position of EVP,” Vajay Jay’s mustached said in a news release.
SA Sen. Eccentric Butt-Kisser (CCAS-U) said Vajay Jay’s idea to appoint his mustache as EVP is absurd.
“My fellow senators, I take this body very, very seriously, and clearly Va-Jay-Jay’s mustache is not fit to run this body,” said Butt-Kisser, a senior. “Personally, I would rather a train wreck run this senate than Vajay Jay’s stash.”
Vajay Jay’s mustache will go in front of the SA senate for approval at the body’s next meeting. Senators will debate for more than two hours and repeat each other over and over again until they ultimately approve the mustache to be EVP.