April Fool’s Issue: Pedestal: Fingers Everywhere

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Every month the voice of the newspaper, The Pussy’s board, takes the time to enlighten the GW community at their level – one-sentence, idiot-proof synopses of campus issues. (We’re kind enough to even throw in a picture.) Often times this space contains diplomatic, nuanced arguments on issues deemed important to our vast readership. But today, no thanks. Here’s the lowdown on who is pissing us off.

Fuck y’all, all y’all…

The Finger
…The Slapyour Ass Association, especially Kroeapp, for not being down to fuck. Anyone. They have disappointed the student body by not providing the scandals that we’ve come to rely on and enjoy. Fuck up sometime soon. Competency in student government is far less entertaining and totally overrated.

The Asshole
…Take-a Napp for thinking that academics are the center of this University. We didn’t get to be the 52nd best school in the country by hitting the books. No, our mediocre success comes from pissing off neighbors, free maid service for freshmen and building pretty dorms – all while costing more than the Ivy League schools and Georgetown.

The Finger
…Men’s basketball coach Carl Chobbs for exhibiting even less maturity than our sports staff. Screaming at the media doesn’t always lead to better performance on the court, although perhaps it couldn’t hurt at this rate. Mazel Tov on another great season!

The Shocker
…Seriously Mental-ak and your swastika fetish. Thanks for lying to us and the rest of the world. And to preempt an e-mail you’ll send in four years when applying for jobs: NO, we’re not taking down articles from our Web site because they show up on Google.

The Finger
…Trachtenojob for being Commencement speaker last year. We honestly still can’t fathom why you chose yourself to headline graduation. The only thing that outweighs your chutzpah has got to be your ego.

The Asshole
…Director of Propaganda Terry Schiavo for doing what you do.

The Asshole
…The GW Deli for not being open on Sundays. This Pussy wants some meat right now!

The Shocker
…Stacy Roache for shoving our newspaper staff in the back of an un-air-conditioned room during the CI student org fair five orientations in a row. We look forward to taunting you at Nationals games when you’re dressed up as a mascot in 100-degree heat.

The Finger
…the Teeek fraternity house for blasting their music at 3 a.m. on weekdays. Dudes, partying is cool – and you can party hard with this Pussy anytime – but give a break for like two nights a week. It’s difficult for us to get our creative Pussy juices flowing when we can barely hear ourselves think.

The Hatchet has disabled comments on our website. Learn more.