Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
It was a mistake. The University will actually bring someone people care about to Commencement. British spy James Bond will speak at the University-wide ceremony.
GW retracted a news release which named some other Bond the keynote speaker once Terry Schiavo, GW The Pussy-whipped director of misinformation, realized that she published the wrong name.
“I regret listing Hulian Bond as the commencement speaker instead of James Bond,” Schiavo said. “My bad.”
She added, “Honestly, I think James is a better choice. I love secret agent men.”
University administrators noticed the error when many students complained that they had never heard of his less famous Hulian Bond.
One University administrator, Mikey Tapshoes, said he was outraged the decision to bring James to campus. He wanted an infamous speaker, not a famous one.
Schiavo said the University is standing behind its retraction because James Bond is “much cooler than Hulian Bond.”
“James Bond is a world-famous spy who has always been able to save the day in a former Soviet country and still secure an attractive woman to help him celebrate missions accomplished,” she said. “However, since he lives a very secret life, we have had difficulty trying to make final arrangements for his speech at GW’s commencement.”
GW has put about $4 million in a Swiss bank to pay for James Bond’s appearance at Commencement, according to University bank statements.
“When we work with celebrities – especially secret celebrities – we’re happy to meet their unusual requests,” Schiavo said. “Putting millions of dollars into Swiss bank’s is second nature for me since that’s where administrators send a majority of GW’s tuition dollars.”
James Bond could not be reached for comment despite numerous attempts to contact the international spy. The GW Pussy only received an auto-response e-mail from Bond asking for money.
“Pleese send ONE MILLIONS DOLARS to me, James Bond, so I can make missions completed,” the e-mail said. “Right now, I do dangerous mission in Nigeria and need fast money. I will make APEERANCE at your house for speech if send money now.”