April Fool’s Issue: GW Boxer Brief: Democratic presidential candidates to compete in ultimate fighting match

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Deciding to forgo the traditional debate forum, the University held an ultimate fighting competition between Democratic presidential contenders Billary Hinton and Harach Tomorrow Friday night.

University President Stephanie Wetnapkin decided to hold the event as an alternative to what he called the “boring” debates that University has held in the past.

“We decided on the ultimate fighting match because it’s time for a change in the qualities we choose our president based on,” Wetnapkin said. “We know they have vision, but a potential president’s raw fighting ability is arguably more important than political qualifications. The president America . Fuck Yea! should be able to kick ass and take names.

The event, which was held in the Smith Center’s main gymnasium, drew throngs of attendees who camped out on the street hours in advance to secure a spot inside as close to ringside as possible.

“I don’t even know who these people are,” said one clearly intoxicated sophomore waiting in line outside the Smith Center. “I heard there was ultimate fighting tonight so my buddies and I got wasted and painted our chests.”

Men’s basketball coach Carl Chobbs, who refereed the event, announced fight regulations that included no biting, no blows to the face. Trash talking one another’s healthcare policies, however, was fair game. The candidates were given ten rounds and three water breaks to defend their candidacy.

Hinton, wearing a beige spandex pantsuit and pearls, was declared the clear winner of the match. Obama was not completely outdone as he did take a few questionable jabs at Hinton’s babymaker.

As the last round came to a close, Clinton greeted the audience’s roars by standing with her foot atop Obama’s back declaring “Now that’s experience!”

But a spokesman for Hinton’s campaign called the event a “clear victory for the campaign and good indicator of what lies ahead.”

The Hatchet has disabled comments on our website. Learn more.