April Fool’s Issue: Gawker finds Gelman Lover

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Sophomore Marco Polo thought he was only waking up to the dull roar of janitor’s vacuums during the month that he slept in the Gelman Library. Little did he know that the People Watching Association was also breathing softly in the background.

The People Watching Association meets regularly to stare at students in busy areas like Kogan Plaza and Marvin Center, but when the group discovered Polo’s new life style, the People Watching Association began to stake out the library as well.

The student organization began in 2005 and now has 15 members. Senior I’m Creepy is the chief executive officer and the member who discovered Polo’s transient lifestyle.

“We were immediately fascinated by the thought of a student living on the sixth floor of Gelman. We had to see what it was all about,” Creepy said.

Creepy became intrigued with Polo in early February while he was people watching the showers in the men’s bathroom of the Lerner Health and Wellness Center. Creepy said he noticed the sophomore would shower there every day and had his clothes, toiletries and a few textbooks stored in a locker.

“Usually I only see athletes taking showers at the gym, but I could tell that Marco was not on any teams,” Creepy said.

To find out more about Polo’s unusual habits, Creepy followed Polo to class, to lunch with friends and then to the library late at night. When Creepy spotted Polo laying his head down on the red sofas on the sixth floor, he said he wasn’t surprised.

“I could tell that Marco was having back problems from watching the way he walked. Sleeping on a sofa every night can not be good for your vertebrae.”

When asked if he knew he was being followed, Polo was genuinely shocked and a little scared.

“I had no idea I was being followed,” Polo said. “But knowing this information has certainly been an eye opener, to fend for yourself and think carefully about how you’re going to live your day-to-day life and who may be watching.”

People Watching Association will next stake out the annual Order of the Hippo on April 11. Want to join in the fun? The clandestine watching mission will meet on the 3rd floor of the Law School to watch the pseudo-secret bi-annual circle jerk.

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