Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
In the wake of the Supreme Court’s recent decision to overturn D.C.’s handgun ban, the Undersized Penis Department has armed all of its officers to the teeth.
Law enforcement experts are estimating an influx of thousands of new guns in the District, and the University is responding with an arsenal of Uzies, AK-47s and rocket-propelled grenades. Keeping the criminal element at bay is a tremendous concern to GW, UPD Chief Brontosaurus Mullethead said.
“We’ve got to fight fire with fire. Washington is a jungle out there, and UPD is armed and ready,” Mullethead said from her new mobile office aboard a bullet-proof helicopter. “A sleepy Foggy Bottom we live in no more – this is a goddamn war zone!”
Aggressively stroking a nickel-plated pistol with the name “Lyndon” etched in pink cursive, Mullethead seemed anxious during her interview.
“It’s the ‘roids, sorry. Part of a required regimen for my officers to kick ass and take names.”
The police department has an “advanced” training program lined up for its security patrol personnel and special officers. Mullethead said she is outfitting UPD headquarters with HDTVs to play movies such as “Beverly Hills Cop” and “Lock, Stock and Smoking Barrel.” The chief said she hopes her force will learn how to shoot from moving vehicles and roll across the hoods of parked cars.
Leading the training unit is former UPD Officer Michah von Vilhelm. He said the Hippodrome bowling alley will be transformed into a shooting range by week’s end.
“No one at GW bowls anyway. Everyone’s too busy Skypeing their girlfriends abroad or on their BlackBerrys to do anything even remotely athletic,” he said. “So I told the chief to declare martial law on the fifth floor of the Marvin Center and not to look back.”
Safety training is still weeks away, he added.
Meanwhile, panic has gripped campus since last weekend’s spate of accidental shootings. Seven undergraduates and a late-night hotdog vendor were casualties of friendly fire from UPD, according to D.C. Medical Examiner records.
Officer von Vilhelm alone has killed at least four students since Saturday morning through mistaken RPG fire, but Mullethead adamantly defends the actions of her patrolmen.
“‘Better safe than sorry’ I always tell my staff,” she said. “If someone’s pulling something shiny out of his coat in Kogan, it’s probably a gun. Grenade his ass.”
She added, “It’s unfortunate that iPods happen to have silver backsides. Who knew?”
– Lyndon Cat Johnson contributed to this report. Meow
We made this shit up!