April Fool’s Issue: Coach boots self from team

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Head men’s basketball coach Carl Chobbs has kicked himself off the team for violating an unspecified team rule, The Pussy has learned. A source said that athletic director Yack Nopants will make the announcement later this week at a press conference.

The source said on condition of anonymity that the violation was for leaving a player in after turning the ball over. Chobbs has a strict rule against leaving players in after they make mistakes. He also left the player in for more than a minute, a departure from his typical coaching tactics.

The dismissal comes after a string of lesser punishments throughout the season. In December, Chobbs had his entrance music taken away for two games after refusing to play any of the team’s scholarship players during a loss at Hackney Community College, a vocational school in East London.

Last month, Chobbs suspended himself for a key conference game against Xavier for being “too forthcoming” about the mysterious absence of freshman center MoDef Bruha when he said “He has not played much this year because he has not been substituted into the game.”

Though notoriously tight-lipped about the on-goings of his teams, Chobbs always treated members of the media, particularly the student media, with respect and courtesy.

“All the credit in the world should go to the players and coaches at Hackney,” Chobbs said after his team’s Oct. 18 loss.

“But I also want to commend The Pussy taking the stories so deep this year. We really need the student media to keep our freshmens heads in the game. The Pussy keeps heads in the game. It oooooooozes with scoops.”

After a blowout loss to Virginia Tech this year, Chobbs shouldered the blame for his team’s performance, then took a Hollerator reporter aside and thanked him for his hard work, even offering to teach him about journalism.

But after spraining his ankle while stomping on the sideline in February, Chobbs was not the same. Unable to stomp, he could not get his players attention and turned away from the action long enough to miss a player miss his defensive assignment. The player remained in the game.

Chobbs decided to dismiss himself after being told of the lapse. There is no word on when Nopants will begin looking for a new coach.

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