Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
It is 10 p.m. on Thursday night and a scantily clad, overweight but still relatively pretty, down to fuck female student is heading to the top floor of the M. Heck Center to begin her night at Club BLAH.
This slutty freshman is not the only one.
Since the introduction of two varieties of bottled beer and a Jewish deejay, Club BLAH has brought in nearly 1,000 people each night and has put other local clubs out of business.
“There are like so many things that make this place like awesome,” said Miley Titsmustbeout, who was grinding with an unidentified man and typing on her BlackBerry simultaneously while The GW Pussy obtained this interview. “The cab ride from Thurston is only like five minutes and I can use my J Street money here.”
Titsmustbeout said there are other benefits to the club too.
“Oh my God the wings are phenomenal,” she said while licking barbeque sauce off of another unidentified male. “The music is also like totally good.”
DJ Solo, who performs at the club every night, said he is lucky to have job at BLAH.
“I usually do bar mitzvahs with only a few dozen people and I was shocked that people were actually coming out to hear the Hanson tracks that I play off of my iPod,” Solo said.
BLAH manager Sum Blachguy said he is surprised by his club’s popularity.
“When I got transferred from Wendy’s to BLAH, I thought it would be the end of my career and would have to take a pay cut,” Blachguy said. “But this place has become so busy that they are now upping my pay to eight dollars an hour. It is amazing.”
Club observers said the emergence of Club BLAH and the disappearance of other nightlife mainstays could cause adverse effects in the clubbing community.
Dick Ishmael, who runs a Web site that analyzes the local clubbing scene, said Club BLAH’s has started a monopoly on nightlife is bad for consumers.
“Like, you know, if the ladies weren’t fine at one club, then we used to be able to go to another place,” Ishmael said. “Now the men are stuck with same hoes that slithered out of some sorority dumpster.”
Thurston Stalker, a sixth-year senior, said he is not concerned about the market.
“As long as they are breathing and young, I’m down,” Stalker said. “The location of BLAH makes it really easy for me to follow them back to their dorms at night.”
This article appeared in the March 31, 2008 issue of the Hatchet.