Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Monday

Sexaholics Anonymous Meeting

Come join us for a night of discussion about the immense joys of sex and the lack of any consequences.
9 p.m. to 11 p.m.
Marvin Center Grand Ballroom
Sponsored by S.L.U.T.S.

Tuesday

Planned Parenthood

In a bind? Talk about some safe (and not-so-safe) alternatives to having that baby.
8 p.m. to 10:30 p.m.
957 E Street, City View Room, seventh floor
Sponsored by the Babymakers Club

College Happy Hour

Forget exams and unwanted pregnancies for a couple hours while you drink your sorrows away until you can’t feel feelings!
12 a.m. to last call
Goood Times Pub
Sponsored by GW B.I.N.G.E.

Alcoholics Anonymous

Meet other people who have accepted God and refused the evils of alcohol. Sexaholics welcome.
8 p.m. to 10 p.m.
Marvin Center Amphitheater
Sponsored by the German Club

Wednesday

Adoption Infosession

If Planned Parenthood didn’t work out, get rid of your alcoholic baby at this event. Just give him to us, and we’ll get rid of all your problems.
11 a.m. to 5 p.m.
Marvin Center Continental Ballroom
Sponsored by the Partnership to Support Child Labor in Foreign Countries

Sexaholics Anonymous Meeting

Back in the game? Come join us for a night of discussion about the immense joys of sex and the lack of any consequences.
1 p.m. to 3 p.m.
Mount Vernon Campus Quad
Sponsored by S.L.U.T.S.