Under the covers: “The art of approaching”

We’ve got a secret surprise hiding under our covers this year. The Hatchet will bring you two anonymous columnists – a guy and a girl – to report on sex at GW. This week Samson’s on top. Next week Delilah gets her turn.

Editor’s note: Names have been changed to protect the naughty.

Perhaps the most difficult aspect of picking up a girl is actually getting up the nerve to go talk to her as a normal human being. Approaching the most attractive females and striking up a conversation is tough because there is always that lingering doubt at the back of our minds: “What if she rejects me?” And let’s be honest guys, we all have our “signature” move to get in with a group of girls, whether it’s to buy a shot, make a joke or just simply walk up and introduce yourself. However, there is an inherent problem with all of these choices: the girl is immediately empowered to choose whether she wants to talk to you or simply blow you off. Without knowing anything about you, the girl is forced to make a value judgment and decide if you are going to be worth her time. If you resemble an alabaster Grecian god, this works to your advantage. For the rest of us mere mortals, the approach becomes a nerve racking experience. It is a crapshoot every time if the girl will want to engage or not.

I see two girls standing by the bar. One is a nine, the other beyond a 10: silky brown hair, green eyes, wearing a perfectly fitted red dress. There are about eight guys standing around them, trying to work up the courage to go talk. Finally, one revolting guy with his oily hair and Armani shirt walks up, chest in the air, and tries to win them over with his masculine “How you doin’ ladies?” No matter how he puts it, the girls were not having it. These girls were untouchable.

I walked past the girls while looking in the other direction and “accidentally” bump into the Goddess. I stumble a bit, turn around, and say, “Hey, watch out dude. You made me spill my drink.”

Two game notes here: I called her “dude” to make sure her shield didn’t go up. Never call a hot girl “babe” or anything like that. Kill their sexual power. Number two: I had to put her on the defensive so that she couldn’t run on autopilot and just get rid of me. “You bumped into me, you asshole,” she said. At this point, she’s pissed that I am accusing her. So far, so good.

“Oh did I? Sorry about that, I was just thinking really hard about my poor friend and what he’s gonna do with his girlfriend that I zoned out. Hey, actually, since you guys are here anyway, let me get a female opinion on something,” I said.

More notes: After quickly getting rid of her anger, I set up the bait by having something interesting to talk about. Always include all of her friends in your conversation. Female friends block like no other. The words “female opinion” are known as “chick crack.” Ask any girl you want for her opinion on relationship drama, and you will have her attention like you wouldn’t believe.

Typically, they both got curious and I reeled off some story involving breakups and cheating and all that jazz that women love. I had them captivated throughout, and they both kept interrupting my story to throw in their little commentary. At the end, I asked them if they would stay with their boyfriend if he had pulled a stunt like that and they both quickly informed me that they were single and would never ever let a guy treat them like that.

Time for the grand finale. I agreed with them that guys can often be insensitive to girls, and then to make sure I didn’t come across as a try-hard, also reminded them that girls do really awful things to their boyfriends all the time too. They agreed and the Goddess launched into a story about how she had cheated on her ex, but that it didn’t really count because she was drunk. I now had rapport with these chicks. We were friends. We shared a story and I was in. But this only established a superficial friendship. We needed to make a real connection so that I could isolate the Goddess and start the sexual rapport, so I quickly cut her off and threw in this little gem:

“Hey, I had this delicious cherry pie for dessert yesterday and your dress reminds me of it. Do you like cherry pie?” She mentioned that she doesn’t like cherry pie, so I pretended to get upset. She apologized and gave me a hug. I then asked her if she was a good cook and she said she only knew how to make macaroni and cheese. I told her I needed a girl who could feed me, told her that it was nice to meet her and then walked away. Keep reading next week to find out how a false takeaway like that helps ease the escalation process.

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