We’ve got a secret surprise hiding under our covers this year. The Hatchet will bring you two anonymous columnists – a guy and a girl – to report on sex at GW. This week we uncover Samson, our male sex columnist.
Editor’s note: Names have been changed to protect the naughty.
It took me quite a few years to figure out how to use my gift with words to get me laid. It was an arduous path, with many a night ending in a bottle of Lonely Man Hand Lotion and a sticky sock. But after an unremarkable high school experience, where the only time I got laid was when my prom date was drunk, I decided that there had to be a better way. The summer before freshman year, I tirelessly read pages upon pages of seduction material posted on chat forums and written in self-help guidebooks by so-called Pick Up Artists, men who had devoted their entire lives to breaking down, understanding and reverse-engineering sexual rapport with our female counterparts. In three months, I transformed myself from a socially retarded child to a confident, charismatic man.
Over my years at GW, I have continued this transformation while reaping the rewards for the work I had put in. I found it easier and easier to pick up girls: at first, getting a phone number was a success. Soon, it was having sex on a regular basis with one girl. Then it was mastering the one-night stand routine. And by the end of last year, I was seeing multiple girls, all of whom knew of and were perfectly accepting of each other. I could walk into any party, any bar, any club, and within a few minutes, have some hot girl’s tongue down my throat. I exuded confidence, I was charismatic, I was irresistible.
Forget everything you’ve learned about pick-up lines, being a great friend, buying her pretty things, or being a cocky asshole – these tactics are NOT going to get you in with a group of girls. Throughout the course of this year, I will be guiding you down the path that will lead to the fulfillment of your sexual fantasies. In the beginning, I’ll be writing mostly for the guy who occasionally gets laid, maybe has had one or two girlfriends in the past, but really doesn’t know much about the art of seduction. The guy for whom sex is truly “getting lucky.” This will ensure that we are all on the same page when it comes to the more advanced techniques of attraction.
Even if you are good at picking up girls and getting laid, I would recommend you still read these basic foundational techniques, because you might just learn something new or see a part of your game in a different light. I will be using a lot of terms and acronyms that are common in the Seduction field – by the end of the year, your vocabulary will contain: AFC, PUA, HB, number-close, phase-shift, going caveman, LMR, qualifying, neg hit and a plethora of other clever terms that have been invented to describe the various aspects of game.
My name is Samson and I will be your male sex columnist this year. I will be providing you with detailed step-by-step instructions on how to FMAC: Find, Meet, Attract and Close. Using anecdotes from my day-to-day interactions, I will break down different routines and patterns to run on girls at house parties, bars, clubs, in line for Starbucks or at Gelman. I will show you how to move from number closes to phone game, then kiss closes and finally how to seal the deal. And by the end of the year, you will have in your arsenal a full array of techniques that are proven in the field, time and time again, to get you some action.