Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Freshmen: if you haven’t accepted the fact that your grandmother will never truly respect you now that you didn’t get into Georgetown, then you might as well stop reading this now. You’re a lost cause.

For everyone else, take solace in this fact – we’re No. 1! All anyone cares about are rankings these days, and truth be told, we are top notch when it comes to certain rankings. Fuck U.S. News and World Report for not putting us at the top of their silly list. Fuck the Associated Press for having continually snubbed the Colonials for first place votes in weekly basketball polls. Oh, fuck ESPN also, I guess.

But be proud. Everyone now knows that GW is the most expensive school in the country after a barrage of publicity. Think about that – we have more street cred than K-Fed these days! Not only does being No. 1 mean we spend a lot of money, but we also use the sentence template, “I pay $50,000 a year to go here! Do you really think I should really have to put up with (insert minor inconvenience here)!?” We kick ass and everyone knows it.

So, to everyone who would have gotten laid on prom night if they had only gotten into Georgetown, here is an arsenal of impressive rankings to use at your disposal when you run into that bitch at Blockbuster next time you’re home.

We’re No. 1 bitches! What other school has more tools walking around with Blackberries? We can pretend to be like the big kids and shoot e-mails during class that say things like “H.R. 371 will never pass without protection for polar bears.” Hell, even the booty call has been revolutionized. Ever gotten a text that says, “the ramifications of you not granting me afternoon delight will be detrimental to your future in politics, law and/or business?” Neither have I, but I can’t wait for the day I do. Be proud, lowly Colonial, because you’re surrounded by a shit-ton of people who think they’re more important than they really are.

We’re No. 1 bitches! A recent study done by some dumb chick magazine that refers to a guy’s penis as “his manhood,” recognized GW as the school with the most girls putting on makeup before a trip to the gym, per capita. After a slip from last year’s rankings in the Ugg boots and miniskirts category, we’ve rebounded like whoa. This whole national craze means that now the debate has shifted from treadmill or elliptical machine to mascara or booty shorts. I say, why not both! As a result, GW has also ranked as the school with the most boners on rowing machines per capita in the entire country. Shit, we’re awesome.

We’re No. 1 bitches! You probably already know this, but GW is the number-one school for kids who’ve been to Israel for free, even though they could afford to feed a third world country. How about that? Brandeis University had been clamoring for this award, but fuck them, they can take number two. Rich kids are in no shortage here at GW, and thank God! Who else could propel us to such heights in the “complaining about high tuition” category while getting to go on an all-expenses-paid vacation to a desert the size of New Jersey and come back with three hookahs. Despite all the jokes Catholic kids make about free trips to the Vatican, they’re just jealous of all the kids who have to be circumcised.

How inadequate did you feel before you read this article? How fucking sweet do you feel now? As much as GW can suck a lot of the time, people need to recognize how much we truly rock some of the time. It probably won’t get you laid and you still probably won’t get grandma’s respect, but it will get you free housekeeping as a freshman.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Georgetown.

-The writer, a Segway-riding prick, has had more free trips to Israel than all the Blackberries on campus.