Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
Due to popular demand, all DC bars will now carry Lo-Carb Watermelon Smirnoff Ice on tap.
After a sharp drop in beer sales after January, local proprietors noticed a simultaneous spike in the consumption of what is known to many as “girl beer”. Also known as “pussy punch” (especially the Cherry, Watermelon and Razz flavored), “date-rape drink” and “premium malt beverage”, “girl beers” have always been available in grocery stores. Only after winter break did the Smirnoff, Twisted and Mike’s demand sky rocket.
“As I reached for another latke with sour cream during Chanukah, my mom told me how ‘healthy and well-fed’ I look and asked if I wanted to go shopping for some Juicy sweat pants. That’s when I decided that I had to seriously rethink my weekly MGD intake,” explained sophomore, Susan Lake.
Froggy Bottom Pub decided last week to replace its famed $6.75 a pitcher Froggy Bottom Ale with the pink malt beverage. “It’s just Yuengling anyways- you can get it at Costco by the case,” explained bar tender Ronnie Barzel, when asked if this decision was likely to upset the regulars. Barzel continued, “and who cares if fewer dudes are drinking as long as the girls are getting wasted?”
But it’s highly unlikely that fewer men will be scared away by the new draft “beer”. Out of 300 bar owners surveyed by the GW Sociology Department, 299 agreed that throngs of drunken co-eds attract male clientele (the other bar was APEX). “There is undeniable evidence that shows a link between male attendance and female drunkenness,” explained Professor Porter Hall.
Party houses and off-campus fraternities are sure to follow suit in the new trend. “Every year, after winter vacation, our party attendance has dwindled. All the freshman girls come back from Christmas and just don’t want any Natty Ice. It’s weird dude. So we’ve decided to change all that and get the girls back,” said Lance Rocke of XXX Fraternity. “It’s a bummer to drink this stuff at a party but it’s better than going back to Thurston alone,” added Randy Black of F St’s Blue Door house.
To accommodate the new fraternity demand, all local liquor stores will now offer Mike’s Light Hard Lemonade by the keg. “I’m a Bacardi O kind of girl myself but I’m so glad there will be more stuff for me to drink. I mean, I need a lot to drink but those carbs go straight to my hips,” offered sophomore Ashley St. Ives. “It’s true, she was sporting some serious muffin top before I started keeping the O around,” added St. Ives’s boyfriend, Harris Allsworth.
Not just women are excited to beginning chugging the sweet spiked soda in bars. Though few men will admit it, an anonymous senior source explained, “My gut got pretty out of control after freshman year. So I started drinking diet malt beverages with the girls on my hall and now I don’t have to worry my health anymore. And dude, it tastes f’ing delicious.”
The excitement over draft “girl beer” isn’t just exciting young bar hoppers and owners; GW Housing is also thrilled over the new addition to what’s on tap. Casey Anderson, assistant to the director of housing explained that, “each year we are forced to clean the rooms because of the smell of beer vomit. But “girl beer” puke isn’t nearly as bad, so I think we’ll be able to save some money to build another dorm by cleaning only every other year from now on.”
It’s clear that Lo-Carb Watermelon on draft and readily available kegs of Light Mike’s are a welcomed and overdue addition to the DC community. “I just can’t wait to start drinking again like I used to- without the extra pounds!” exclaimed St. Ives.
