Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
After incoming University President Sheepish Sleep pries the position out of Supposedly Jobless Trachtenbye’s cold hands this July, celebration events will be held across campus.
Sleep who (literally) lives on a sheep farm at his rich-white-guy home in Maryland, is expected to lead his herd into Foggy Bottom to give the campus a more suburban feel. The parade route on Aug. 1 includes Sleep parting the Anacostia River to lead his herd into the promised land and a 2 p.m. appointment with the Holy Father at the burning pile of cash to discuss the school’s tuition.
“I have come to lead my flock to the land of milk and honey,” said Sleep from his office on high.
GW’s 16th president will be using the New Testament as guidance for his administration, in comparison to the current administration’s and a third of the student body’ adherence to the Old Testament.
The evening will culminate with a sacrifice from the herd.
“This is going to be a great moment for the GW community to showcase its blatant superiority in both this world and the next,” said Vice President for Chatting Mic Freedwoman “Students, faculty, staff and neighbors – of all faiths and religious persuasions – should come together to celebrate this great new chapter for the University and for D.C.-area livestock.”
The prize-winning herd will have a security detail to prevent against the threat of the GW population demanding the animals be slaughtered for new UGG boots. Within a week of Sleep’s announcement last December, at least 75 sorority girls from Long Island e-mailed the incoming president about how much it would cost to shear his sheep, officials said.
Another target of the transition is Trachtenbye’s mythical hippopotamus, which has become GW’s unofficial mascot. A tacky sculpture of a sheep will replace the hippo statue in front of Lisner – one of Sleep’s first demands when offered his job.
Demolishment of the friendly bronze pachyderm is slated for mid-July. But given the recent track record of on-campus construction in T Avenue, BLAH Wingery and CHRONIC Bistro, the statue’s destruction may not happen until Sleep’s fourth year in office.
A cryptic letter from Trachtenbye indicates that he may protest his beloved creature’s annihilation.
“The specters of our school’s namesake and his slave-children will haunt any fur balls disturbing the balance of our historic campus,” he wrote. “The spirit of the hippo will live on!”