Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
6 p.m. Enter meeting. Admit that I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable. Suck on flask of Peppermint Schnapps hidden in jacket pocket. Loudly announce it is mouthwash.
6:02 p.m. Introduce myself to those around me. Older woman in tracksuit states, “I’m Marsha, and I’m an alcoholic.” Laugh and assure her she is “Just in college.”
6:05 p.m. Recognize across the room the cockslut who fucked my ex-boyfriend. Point at her and scream, “That cockslut fucked my ex-boyfriend!” Proceed to identify her by first and last name. Whisper her social security number to Marsha. Leave a ring of saliva on Marsha’s ear.
6:12 p.m. Admit that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.
6:13 p.m. Get in heated conversation with man seated in front of me on nature of God. Ask, “if God does exist, man, then who created God? Who is God’s God?” Realize that the man is not responding and I am simply screaming at him. Ask him if he knows where I can find any weed. Promise to supply the bong.
6:20 p.m. Nap.
6:25 p.m. Awake. Ask Marsha if we had sex last night or just stopped at oral. Tell her she’s a “real nice girl,” and tell her I’ll give her the cash she needs to get home. Sift through wallet and apologize that all I have is an old metro card, which I am “saving for a special occasion.”
6:26 p.m. Retrieve mug from countertop and fill with coffee. Ask the crowd to dare me to chug it. No one responds. Mumble that “I thought you guys were bro’s.” Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.
6:35 pm. Man stands and begins talking about his father. Scream “waterfall!” Insist that everyone “drinks when I tell them to drink.”
6:37 p.m. Marsha begins to cry. Promise that, if she needs to puke, I will hold her hair back. Insist that afterwards she “take it like a man” and “rally to make up for lost booze.”
6:45 p.m. Begin to make a list of all persons I have harmed. After “Grandma” and “Manuch,” forget names. Write down “Guy I Gave Blue Balls After Promising To Perform Handjob On Him Near Keg At APE Party, But Was Whisked Away by EMeRG Before Following Through.” Pledge to log onto Facebook later to identify him. Never do.
6:52 p.m. Climb onto the countertop and dance wildly. Threaten to take off my shirt.
6:55 p.m. Marsha and the man to my right both attempt to hold my hand. Insist that “there is plenty of ass to go around,” and that they should “not be greedy.” Wink at Marsha.
6:59 p.m. Proclaim loudly that this party is “lame,” and that I am “going out to pick up some slags.” Am stopped by large man at door as I attempt to steal the entire box of AA chips. Protest that they are “Shiny – so, so shiny.”
7 p.m. Escape. Have a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, try to carry this message to others, and practice these principles in all my affairs. Pass out.