April Fool’s Issue: Successful candidates’ initiatives find support from administration

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Stickupyourass Association President-elect N’Capable and other students winning seats in the SA have received glowing praise from administrators for their very feasible campaign platforms.

N’Capable won the election in February with three main platform initiatives, including “GWorld Around the Universe,” which will make the GWorld card available for use at all businesses throughout the Milky Way Galaxy and other star systems. Colonial Cash would be available on the International Space Station as well as NASA and Russian space missions.

“I will single-handedly bring GWorld to the 50 states and 120 countries represented by the student body,” N’Capable said.

Nagging Hagatha, managing delayer of Campus Support Disservices, said that “GWorld Around the Universe” is exactly what GW needs.

“This plan is just the kind of realistic initiative that GW students have been longing for,” Hagatha wrote in an e-mail, which was reviewed and edited by at least 45 school vice presidents. “Once this bold, yet pragmatic, solution is enacted, there will be over 30 million food venues payable on Colonial Cash.”

Another platform initiative, “1-800-GET-HELP,” will alleviate problems by making students wait two hours to get help from a customer service representative in New Delhi, India. The hotline will help the average student navigate GW’s vast bureaucracy, which employs about 8,000 executive assistants and 13,000 executive associates.

N’Capable said she planned to recruit many former J Street employees to help answer phones, but said that turning to the Subcontinent was much more cost-effective.

“By outsourcing, I will save a lot more money for student organizations, such as the Law School’s Student Pub Association,” N’Capable said.


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