April Fool’s Issue: Straight at GW: a nonexistent culture?

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The sight of two boys kissing at GW isn’t a rare scene. GW’s campus is full of two males walking hand in hand or making out goodbye. It’s the sight of a boy and a girl kissing on campus that you might actually have to search for.

GW has a large gay population – everyone knows that – but what does that say about the straight guys? Nothing, there aren’t any here. Even the ones who say they’re straight are lying, or wearing too tight of a T-shirt for anyone to actually believe them.

Stevie, an openly gay psychology professor who studies GW’s and D.C.’s gay culture, said he recognizes the shortage of straight males on campus, but said as long as the gay community here is thriving, who cares about the straights? He estimates about 99 percent of the males at GW are gay and the other 1 percent just hasn’t come out yet but will by the time they graduate.

“There is certainly no shortage of gay outlets in the city. We should be celebrating that, not worrying about the straight guys here,” Stevie said. “Every other college campus in the country has plenty of straight guys, but GW guys are all gay and that makes us unique. This is a good thing.”

Yeah, maybe it’s a good thing for the gay men and civil rights groups, but girls who go to GW have a different opinion. Mary Homophob, a GW senior, said she hasn’t been able to have good sex in four years.

“I came to college thinking there was going to be hot guys. At GW there are hot guys, just none of them are straight,” Homophob said. “I’ve resorted to having sex with the gays here though ’cause how else am I supposed to get any? It’s not good but at least I’m having sex. That’s the best I can do here.”

Homophob said she’s even thinking about becoming a lesbian. When she and her friends go to Adams Morgan, they try to pick up straight men, but just end up going out and drinking a lot, so hooking up with a gay guy isn’t that bad.

“I was talking to this one guy at the bar and I was like, ‘Great! I’ve finally found a straight one,’ and then he pulled out his pink cherry lipgloss and asked to use my makeup compact and that was the end of that,” Homophob said. “I only let him finger me that night. I wouldn’t let someone that gay have sex with me!”

Gerry Gooddresser, a GW junior who claims he is a straight man, said that the image of GW as a gay school is “fucked up.” He said he knows tons of straight guys on campus including he and all his friends.

“All my friends here are guys and we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t gay,” Gooddresser said as he put some more gel in his hair and popped his collar. “I’ve never kissed a girl, uh, I mean guy. I said guy! Don’t tell my dad, okay?”

Jack Limpdick from the University Counseling Center, said he is trying to recruit more guys at GW to the straight side so GW is more sexually balanced, and is hosting weekly counseling meetings to try to convince the GW guys to suppress those fantasies they are having about their roommate.

“The problem at GW is that plenty of guys come to this school straight, but after spending two minutes here, they start to have gay tendencies and then act on them,” Limpdick said. “I’m trying to just remind them that being straight is okay too. I mean, there’s plenty of hot girls on this campus dying to hook up with an actual straight guy.”

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