Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
All Sodexho employees at GW were fired yesterday in an attempt to maximize profits and improve efficiency, representatives for the food service provider announced this morning.
Q Avenue food venues were empty Sunday afternoon, and students aimlessly wandered around the area carrying their GWorld cards looking for food. Dan Rodriguez, Sodexho manager of dining services, said that students should feel free to prepare their own meals at the existing venues, using whatever resources they find.
At Quiznos, a sign on the counter read “Take food. Leave Money,” with an arrow pointing to a brown sack emblazoned with a large green dollar sign.
Sodexho became GW’s food service provider this fall, after agreeing last year to keep all previous Aramark employees on staff. Because of what Rodriguez called “that damned minimum wage,” they were unable to reduce workers’ pay. Instead, they increased profits by shortening store hours and laying off employees, but Rodriguez said it still didn’t generate enough revenue.
“I have certain quotas I have to meet,” Rodriguez said as he bathed in a tub of money next to University President Supposedly Jobless Trachtenbye. “I’m confident GW students are smart enough to prepare their own damn food and leave me the hell alone!”
Many former employees said they would return to their previous jobs at the Department of Motor Vehicles, the Post Office and telephone psychic hotlines.
Junior Crasey Blond, director of the Stickinyourass Association Dining Disservices Commission, held an emergency press conference in front of the Marvin Center and said that students should have anticipated the change. Blond recently lost a bid for president of the Student Association.
“I told you this shit was goin’ to go down!” Blond said. “Maybe if one of you assholes had voted for me this wouldn’t have happened!”
The change is part of a new “self-service” initiative, said Nagging Hagatha, managing delayer of Campus Support Disservices. Hagatha said that this might be the right fit for the GW community.
“We realize Sodexho is still getting the feel for the University,” Hagatha wrote in an e-mail which took 40 business days to be sent to The Treekiller. “And I guess they came to the conclusion that GW students will dole out money regardless of whether someone is serving them. This is truly a win-win situation for all the stakeholders in student services. ”
Hagatha, whose body is usually covered in red tape, said she plans to install several new plasma televisions in Q Avenue to distract students from the lack of service.
As of Monday morning, GW Hospital officials said the medical center has treated about 200 students for minor burns and cuts from industrial kitchen appliances.
Freshman Clutzy McClutz, accidentally deep-fried his hands while making Wendy’s french fries. Other students said they had trouble operating the Quiznos’ conveyor belt toaster oven.
Despite initial injuries, many students and faculty members said they were happy with the change. At Einstein Bros. Bagels, law professor Jumpthegun Banzsue happily spread cream cheese on a bagel with a knife.
“Notice how I’m not using a goddamn ice cream scoop to put the cream cheese on this bagel. People get fat doing things like that,” Banzsue said. “Oh, will you look at that, a perfectly made bagel. And in less than 15 minutes. Unbelievable.”